I Have Been Given My Life Back…

As I talked about in my last blog I was abandoned by pain management doctor and I actually feel he did me a favor. That may sound crazy after going through seven days of withdrawal If he hadn’t done that I would still be on an opioid which I am convinced now was killing me. My mind was always clouded like I was walking in a fog.  I didn’t want to do anything, go anywhere, and at times even conversations were more than I could handle. If he hadn’t done that I never would have found Kratom and yes I know there have been people die from it, but they were abusing it taking way more than should have in order to get high. I take a very small amount every 5 hours it stopped my withdrawal from the opioid and helps with the pain. The best thing is mind is clear again and I get out now and do things every weekend. My interests are coming back for the first time in nearly eight years.

As I told a friend the risk is no greater than it was with the opioid I was taking because it was stealing my life and thousands of people die every year from opioids. I will never take another opioid in my life if I can help it. I wish I had known about Kratom eight years ago then I wouldn’t have had to go through withdrawal at all. I am sure people might think I am exaggerating when I say withdrawal was one of the worst things I have ever been through and it was traumatizing for a few reasons. That my doctor could do something to one of his patients who he knows has a heart condition. The process of withdrawal itself was not only painful but it made me violently ill as well I don’t think I have ever have vomited so violently in my life. It was like it was trying to turn my stomach inside out. I can honestly say I never craved the opioid not even at the worst of the withdrawal, as a matter of fact, it just strengthened resolve never to take it again.

Also, I want to make it clear that my doctor didn’t stop seeing me over something I did wrong. He knew I was having problems obtaining my birth certificate so I could get a new ID and I had been his patient for nearly eight years so it wasn’t like I was a new patient that might be lying about who they are. Even though I have proof I will be getting it in a couple months that wasn’t good enough. It may be time for a new doctor I am not sure what he will do to me next and not sure i want to continue with him and find out.




Have You Ever Been Through Near Hell?

This all started nearly six years ago when I was homeless and my drivers’ license expired I had no money to replace it or to get a state ID. I needed my birth certificate to get an ID once I was back on my feet again and the battle with my home state of Illinois started. They insisted I needed a valid ID in order to get my birth certificate and as I told each person if I had an ID I wouldn’t need my birth certificate. I explained to all my doctors what was going on and all of them understood except one and that was my pain doctor.

I was told last month to produce an ID or I would get one last script and he would not see me until I had an ID even though I had proof the birth certificate is on its way it just will not arrive until March between the 10th and the 24th. Once my meds ran out I went through as close to hell as I ever want to be. Withdrawal can and does kill people and I have a bad heart heart condition. Withdrawal not only makes you so sick you feel like you are dying, but all of my pain came crashing back full force. I could barely sleep or eat all I could do was cry. Then I got angry and I did research on how to help myself legally of course.

If I ever go back to this doctor there will be changes made and the first one is no more opioids period I will not take the chance this will ever happen to me again. My pain is controlled well enough now I don’t want them.My head is clearer, I am now more active, and happier.  I did learn a lot in this process like to never fully trust any doctor and to stand up for myself. If he will not listen to what I feel is best for me moving forward then it is time for a new doctor.

Radio Frequency on Neck…

I was so excited to get this procedure done and now I wish I hadn’t it might still settle down, but right now I am in even more pain than I was before. I expected my neck to be sore and it is, but what I did not expect was the pain in my scalp it feels like someone repeatedly hit me in the back of the head with a ball bat for hours. Brushing or washing my hair is pure torture, Then there are the random shooting and stabbing sharp pains.

I know I probably sound ungrateful and maybe I am, but I suffer pain every single day 24/7 and to have it increased like this and including a new spot to hurt just seems so unfair (yes I know life is unfair, but I feel grumpy and out of sorts). I am hoping my doctor can shed some light on this when I call his office on Monday and hopefully had prescribe something to help with this extra pain. I will be back when I find out more.

God Bless!

Oh What a Day…

Today I went to get my knee injected it took awhile to get to my turn because there were a lot of people today needing injections and though it increases my pain in waiting I don’t mind. The reason I don’t mind is because these people are in as much pain as me or more. There is a dear lady that her spine is so bent she can no longer stand up straight anymore and can barely lift her head to see where she is walking so I don’t mind waiting my turn. I have also made some very nice friends.

Once I got back there is was quick and uneventful, but now the real fun begins for the next 10 to 14 days. Now don’t get me wrong my felt knee feels great right now and it is why I go through this about every 6 months or so. The side effects of corticosteroids are not pleasant by any means, but not be confused with anabolic steroids. Corticosteroids are a powerful anti-inflammatory. I use to use things like Advil, but I developed an intolerance to these drugs and they would make my legs and ankles swell painfully and I have enough pain :). The next side effect is your body especially your upper body heats up off and on like a furnace it actually can cause red flushing on the face and chest for a few days. The last side effect is the worst for me is insomnia and that is because I have always battled it through my teens and adult life this intensifies it. Even so it is worth all of this temporary discomfort to be in less pain for 6 months or more and that means even less pain meds going into my body and that to me is always a good thing.

I post these to help inform people on these hidden illnesses and to understand what we go through to help relieve this pain. Because who in their right mind would allow really big needles and probes to be put into their bodies if what they were saying were not true. If you have never felt chronic devastating pain in your life I am truly happy for you and I hope that you never do, but the next time you see someone on pain meds please do not assume they are a junkie and lying about their illness some do, but that is God’s job to sort out. Most of us have more dignity than to walk around moaning and groaning just to try and make judgmental people believe us. As a matter of fact if I met you, you would never guess unless I stood up and walked that I was in a lot of pain. I laugh and am very happy because pain is what I have not who I am.

God Bless! Comments welcome please behave like adults and no profanity.

Update on my Neck…

Yesterday my pain management doctors nurse called to let me know they received approval to do the radio frequency ablation on my neck and they got their machine fixed so awesome that if I could have I would have jumped up and down, however if I could jump up and down I wouldn’t need a pain management doctor :).

So now my schedule is left knee the 21st, right knee the 28th, and neck October 5th after all that and then he will get approval for my back. Then I need to get an MRI done on my jaw that has to do with a story that took place in 1976 when I was 14 (telling my age now lol). To those that know me they know I grew up in a really bad neighborhood and one summer night we were in the front yard with some friends and a fight broke out and some of the older boys were drinking beer. One of the boys grabbed an unopened can of beer and threw it and I turned around just in time to be slammed on the left side of my lower jaw by the can of beer. It was pretty bad it unhinged my jaw on the right side to the point that I could not move it at all. After knocking me out in the hospital they were able to get it back into the socket, but we soon found it wouldn’t stay so after several more attempts to get it to stay I finally refused to let them try anymore so my jaw on the right comes part way out of the socket whenever I open my mouth. It has now started popping and hurting on the left side that is still in the socket and my doctor wants to see if it is just wear and tear because it doesn’t track normally like it would if the right side was tracking normal. Either way I am probably looking at jaw injections some time in the future. The moral of this story stay away from flying cans of anything and pick your friends wisely :).

For now things are looking up and getting approval so soon is amazing. God Bless!


So this past Friday I was suppose to get my radio frequency ablation ( where they use high frequency electricity to burn nerves) I had been waiting months for and went through several failed nerve blocks to get to. I arrived before sun up, signed in, got my IV lead for the medicine that puts me out, and got back to the procedure room in a timely manner. They do all my prep and I start going under and the next thing I know I am waking up again.

When they tested the machine the ground was not working and thank God he always tests it before using it or I would have had a very bad day if I lived through it. I still have a very sore neck and between my shoulder blades, but that is better than being fried.

Now though I am probably going to have to wait for the insurance company to approve it all over again and who knows how long that will take. I don’t blame my doctor because he tested it before using it on me. The insurance company however, will drag their feet even though it wasn’t my fault that I didn’t get it done on Friday. So let the waiting begin.

Nerve Pain…

I talk often about the other forms of pain I have in my spine, my knees, neck, and migraines, but I haven’t talked much about my diabetic nerve pain. I have it in both of my feet and both thighs and it feels very different in my feet than it does in my thighs.

Most people understand that it means that the nerves are dying and they are, however they do not go quietly by any means and I am happy when a section goes completely numb because it is one less area to hurt. My toes feel like they are being shocked at times other times they feel like they are ice cold, but when I feel they are warm. The tops of my feet burn like someone is putting out a big fat cigar on my foot over and over. The bottoms of my feet just under my toes back to about mid foot is pretty much numb except deep into my foot, but it has to be a really hard press for me to feel it.

My thighs from just below my hip to my knee on the outer part of my thighs feels like someone is pouring boiling water down them and I cannot stand for them to be touched because it sets the pain off. There are times when it just happens and it sucks because I have to resist the urge to rub it because that will just make it worse. Also none of it has ever went numb like parts of my feet have and I am not sure if that is because it is relatively new or because of the nerve pain medication I take called Lyrica which I now take the maximum dose of 400mg at bedtime so if it stops working I am not sure where it go to from here.

One thing is for certain nerves do not go down quickly or quietly.

Comments always welcome be nice and no foul language. God Bless!